genre: gen, drama
Summary: "Tom know distance because they didn't use to have it "
Music: Tokio Hotel - What If
He knows distance. Sometimes is harder to remember than others, but when he really thinks about it, it comes back easily. Tom remembers when they were little. He remembers how close they used to be. People don't understand, they never did and never will, but it was natural for them, then, and it would be natural for them now if no one had gotten in the way. If no one had gotten on the way, it would be only Bill and Tom, Tom and Bill, and the evolution of the relationship, Tom wonders, what would have been of that.
Tom knows distance because he remembers, when they were two years old and held hands all the time. Not only to cross the street but when they went to sleep, when they woke up, when eating at the table. Because it was harder not to hold hands, it was like being disconnected from the world, disconnected from all the things that mattered, all the things that were important and actually made sense. It was natural for them until Gordon asked their mother why they were always holding hands. Not that their mother ever realized they were doing it. She never saw anything back then, she never sees anything now. She never understood anyway.
Tom remembers when they were five years old and used to drink from the same glass, and change the food on their plates, because his mother always gave them equal portions, but Bill doesn't like broccoli, and Tom is not particularly fond of carrots.
He remembers at eight, when it was still normal to wear the same clothes until the kids at school started to laugh at them because they couldn't tell them apart, and the teachers called home because they needed to know who they were talking to but Tom and Bill refused to tell them.
He remembers then, when Bill decided he wanted to be different. Not different only from Tom but from the whole universe. Tom wasn't going to let him alone. If Bill was going to be different, Tom was going to be different to. He doesn't remember now, though, exactly why he chose what he did, but he suspects it had to do with how different it was from what Bill was looking for.
He remembers at thirteen, and fifteen, and sixteen, and seventeen, and eighteen. He remembers the drugs and the alcohol, and the cigarettes. Tom remembers all the things that were natural for them and nobody else understood, nobody else understands.
Tom know distance because they didn't use to have it, and he thinks it may be something everyone goes through, but they're not everyone and he refuses to believe it happened to them. Because he remembers when they still shared the same chair, the same plate; when they held hands everywhere, and kissed each other because that's the way you show love.
Tom knows, now, that the distance is not something you can take back, no matter how much you remember, if the other person refuses to recall there's no way back.
So Tom is no stranger to distance, he's no stranger to forgetting, but if he focuses enough, he can remember, and if he holds Bill's hand sometimes he thinks Bill remembers too, so maybe is not all lost, maybe it's not too bad.